Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
