I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
