The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
