dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
