Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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