I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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