The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
You made out with two different species that night
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Randomize
