I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
