They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
