Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
