If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
