half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Randomize
