and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
