possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
