dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
