Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
