remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
