i'm signing you up for texting rehab
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
And then he peed in my hair
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