Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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