I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Randomize
