margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
You were trust falling into bushes
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
