someone threw a dead crab at me
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
