i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Boobs are out for the taking
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
