you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Randomize
