So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Randomize
