my phone needs a breathalizer
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
