Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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