What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
