there's paper in my vomit.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
