I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
