That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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