I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
