when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
