I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
