Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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