escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
