Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
