Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
