my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
