I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
