he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Randomize
