Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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