ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
