my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
