The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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