i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
