Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
