I accidentally had phone sex last night
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
