I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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