I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
