Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
