just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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